*Sigh*

I can't help but wonder what the true meaning of my life is. I know it's not the time for me to get all philosiphical. I am so upset with myself. I am in Germany; I am finally back to the place where I wanted to be, and yet, I still feel somewhat disappointed. Loneliness seems to follow me where ever I go. Why does it seem that I worsen as time progresses? I have to admit... All of this is bullshit!!! My whole life is bullshit!!! But how can I call my family, friends, all those who love bullshit??? They are not. It's me. Maybe it's not the life that sucks, but it is the person living it...

I haven't made any really good friends here. Yeah, I have met a couple of people here and there, but I cannot warm up to them. I don't want to sound condescending, but everyone else is here is in this program for the wrong reasons. Everyone wants to drink, party, and not learn the language. But whom am I to judge? I just feel I cannot bond with any people based on their expectations for these next months. Maybe I should lower my standards and just become the "normal American student who likes to party and be ignorant of other cultures." I can only think of two instances where I have been truly happy here, but I know they won't happen again for a very long time due to a distancing that will be implemeted on February 13th....

I should get rid of all defenses and take everything in. BUT I AM TAKING EVERYTHING IN!!! I am f***ing messed up in the head. Ugh! Whatever disease I have, I hope it leaves me soon. But I can't promise anything like that because I have been feeling like this for a long time...