I dreamt I died last night. It felt so real that I woke up crying, but the even weirder thing about that is that I was trying to wake myself up from my dream. I had an outer body experience. I felt my soul looking at my stiff corpse from above and not remembering who I was. As the blood streamed down my corpse, my soul started sheding thick tears of blood. I saw my mother calling to my corpse and yelling, "Wake up! Wake up!" But something in me refused to attach itself back to that broken pile of bones I once called a body. And with that, I let my body become entangled with the passing wind.
Freaky... I know!!! But in way I feel my subconsciousness is telling me something. I know I must sound like a baby all the time now. I am always complaining about something in my life. I just did not realize how hectic my senior year was going to be. Please, I BEG you not to come to the conclusion that I have thoughts of suicide. I love my life, family, and friends too much to do anything of the sorts. But I do think that there has to be some part of my life that has to pass away in order for me to finally get over what this thing is. It is easier said than done. First, I have to figure out what exactly is bothering me, then I can finally kill the problem from the root.
*sigh*
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Littlest Things
Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't know why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
no one in the world who could replace you
-Lily Allen
Monday, March 19, 2007
I awoke today to an e-mail sent by our Senior Class President saying, "Only 61 more days till graduation!" And although this makes me really ecstatic, I realized that maybe I am still not quite as ready as I thought I was to go into the real world. In a little over two months, my life will be doing a complete 3-60. That is everything that I know and everyone (well, mostly everyone) that I care for and that I hold dearly in my heart, will soon be apart from me. Graduating and moving to another city is one thing, but graduating and moving to another COUNTRY is quite different. Besides a couple of people that I know, I am basically starting a whole new life in Germany. I don't know how well prepared I am for this. I think I would feel different about the situation if I'd move to some English-speaking country like England or Australia; but the whole-not-knowing-so-well the German language kind of has me freaked out. I am no longer that 18 year old girl that left to Germany without a clue, but smiled herself out of any awkward situations. I am an adult, and we all know that cute little adult habits (like my smiling and being overly nice) won't save my butt this time. *sigh*
I guess I am doubting myself. In a way I think I am a bit disappointed with myself. Every time someone asks me about my plans after graduation I slightly bow my head and shamefully say, "I am becoming an au pair," but then I quickly retaliate by saying, "But I am also having an internship at the European Central Bank." To be frank, this wasn't my plan at all. Looking back at that young girl of 18, I remember wanting to graduate from college at the top of my class, then taking a six month break to travel around the world, in order to come back with a new perspective on things before starting law school in New York (or dare I say, Harvard Law School). However, these past four years in undergrad have completely drained any motivation and ambition that I once had. In law school I would become the woman I dreamt so much in becoming. I would end law school with an offer to join a law firm in Washington, D.C. or New York City, and maybe, even being engaged. It's funny how we create these mental checklists, but really, how many of us truly keep in line with them? Now, the only thing that I can check off my list is graduating... and that's even too much for me right now. I have to re-prioritize my goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. But above all, I want to, I need to, I have to get back to the old way I was... the Gaby, the Gabriela that was so fearless, loving, but even more so, HAPPY.
As for now, I am conducting a small experiment. I will do 10 Things that I have not yet done in the hopes that it will teach me to love and to accept every day for what it is. Wish me luck!
1. Become friends/"make things right" with someone that I do not get along with.
2. Express how I truly feel about an arising situation, how I feel, or any other circumstance of the sort.
3. Watch some classic movies: Casa Blanca, The Graduate, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Godfather, etc.
4. Dance in a public setting as if I were alone in my bedroom.
5. Avoid the "F"word for one whole day. Heck, make that one whole week! (Mind you, I did not curse when I was a little girl, but that was sooo long ago)
6. Go skinny-dipping.
7. Take a professional ball room dancing class.
8. Get over my fear/disgust of fruit.
9. Smile just because.
10.Go to the gym for more than 2 weeks in a row.
I guess I am doubting myself. In a way I think I am a bit disappointed with myself. Every time someone asks me about my plans after graduation I slightly bow my head and shamefully say, "I am becoming an au pair," but then I quickly retaliate by saying, "But I am also having an internship at the European Central Bank." To be frank, this wasn't my plan at all. Looking back at that young girl of 18, I remember wanting to graduate from college at the top of my class, then taking a six month break to travel around the world, in order to come back with a new perspective on things before starting law school in New York (or dare I say, Harvard Law School). However, these past four years in undergrad have completely drained any motivation and ambition that I once had. In law school I would become the woman I dreamt so much in becoming. I would end law school with an offer to join a law firm in Washington, D.C. or New York City, and maybe, even being engaged. It's funny how we create these mental checklists, but really, how many of us truly keep in line with them? Now, the only thing that I can check off my list is graduating... and that's even too much for me right now. I have to re-prioritize my goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. But above all, I want to, I need to, I have to get back to the old way I was... the Gaby, the Gabriela that was so fearless, loving, but even more so, HAPPY.
As for now, I am conducting a small experiment. I will do 10 Things that I have not yet done in the hopes that it will teach me to love and to accept every day for what it is. Wish me luck!
1. Become friends/"make things right" with someone that I do not get along with.
2. Express how I truly feel about an arising situation, how I feel, or any other circumstance of the sort.
3. Watch some classic movies: Casa Blanca, The Graduate, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Godfather, etc.
4. Dance in a public setting as if I were alone in my bedroom.
5. Avoid the "F"word for one whole day. Heck, make that one whole week! (Mind you, I did not curse when I was a little girl, but that was sooo long ago)
6. Go skinny-dipping.
7. Take a professional ball room dancing class.
8. Get over my fear/disgust of fruit.
9. Smile just because.
10.Go to the gym for more than 2 weeks in a row.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Spring Break 2007
On the plane to the Bahamas
Ahhh....
Awesomeness
Queen Victoria's Staircase
66 steps, one for every year of her reign
A fisherman asked to take my picture
Sunday, March 11, 2007
A Small Break...
Gaby hasn't been feeling too good this semester. So she is taking some time off from her hectic life. She will be in the Bahamas for the next couple of days. Hopefully, she will come back rejuvenated and energized to finish off her senior year. Have a good one!
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