SEXpectations

"If we sleep together would it make it any better?" - Mirah, "La Familia"

I have had this song stuck in my head for the past few days. First of all, it is very catchy. And second, what it says has got me thinking. This is the phrase every guy wants to hear. Guys give you bullshit about not wanting to sleep with them till they make you feel horrible. And of if you "sleep together it [will] make it better"..... for HIM, not for the girl. Now that I am in my twenties I feel the pressure even more so. Sleeping with someone is now an expectation held by many people. Especially if you want a relationship to last for more than two weeks! "You mean I have to sleep with you on the second date just so you can take me out?" What the heck? How did our society go from one extreme to the other? I just don't understand the progression that has happened so suddenly in the last thirty years. It's horrible to feel this pressure when you are going out with a guy. I would not like to think that a guy is only taking me out to a nice dinner and a movie just to make me feel as if I owe him something. "Yeah, if I feed her and entertain her for two hours, she will certainly have to entertain me later. It's only fair. They wanted equality." And yeah, when did equality become the reason for the loss of chivalry, kindness, and manners? Gaining the right to vote does not give you men the permission to treat us like complete assholes. That's why women are more and more vile, fierce, and hostile now towards the opposite sex. We are just protecting ourselves from your ways. And that gives you the incentive to be even worst, and then the whole cycle continues. We both have to stop!!!

So You Can Take That Cookie and Stick It Up....

To make a long story short I am skipping right to the conclusion. I am an IDIOT!!! I am tired of being the one who puts herself on the line. Why can't just for once things go the way I plan. I am so fucking tired of men who have no balls. Yeah, you heard me. No, balls. Because if they did posses any they would let go of all the bullshit against feelings, relationships, girlfriends, etc. Get a fucking clue!!! Do you really think that we girls like your pretenses and your petty impressions you try to make? If we like you is because we see something else besides the cherade, and yet you still keep up with it because letting go of it would signify your vulnerability. I am not a fucking entertainment system. If you want one, get your ass to Best Buy or something like that and purchase one. I am with you because I like spending time with you, not to amuse you. If I wanted to do that, I would join the fucking circus. (Sorry, I know I am saying "fucking" a lot, but it helps to relive some tension) I may not be a clown, but I do know that I am fool because I am always failing mirserably and believing every word anyone says. I guess that's what I get for having a bit of hope in humanity. It's just so unfair that I now have to be skeptic about everyone.

Yeah, that's what I say right now, and I will probably do the opposite. Damn it, I hate myself. I always seem to wrap myself in these vicious cycles that never end. I am through, I am done, I can't do this shit anymore. Go find some other dim-wit to put up with your bullshit because I can't keep up with you anymore.


What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea...
-"Volcano", Damien Rice

Full of Doubt

So, there is this guy that I have been somewhat seeing the past couple of weeks. I like being with him; he makes me laugh and completely understands how much time, effort, and work I have to put into the theater. (This is because he is also involved in the theater, but he works backstage.) I enjoy his company and at times I feel like I don't have to speak in order to fill in the air. There are no ackward moments. However, to all good things there must be a bad side as well. *sigh* I still have doubts whether or not he likes me as much as I like him. I don't know how to explain it. I mean, when I am hanging out with him there is no doubt, but ever so often during my day I stop whatever I am doing, and wonder if he thinks of me just like I think of him. I also have to say that this whole timing thing is terrible. I mean: Come On! Cut me some freakin' slack! Why must this happen just a couple of weeks before school is over. I am not holding him to a full term commitment or anything of that sort, but I would have liked to seen how things might have evolved if this had began earlier. I know we will have next semester, but first, we have to leave for the summer (about 4 months!), come back to school, and start all over again. Well, it seems that way. I don't know, four months in between something that is barely starting or doing I don't know what seems pretty weird. And you might think, "But there is AIM and you have each other's cell phones," that's right, but it will only be for so long. He is going to Russia in July and I might be going to Mexico. So he will come back paler and I will come back darker....hehehe. You have to find the humor in this whole thing I guess. I don't know what will happen. But I am happy right now to have somebody that understands me and I can just hang out with without having to uphold any pretenses. However. there is this little person in the back of my head hitting me with a bat and filling me up with questions.

Doubt seems to be a prevalent theme in my life as I have come to understand. Opening night for the "The Puzzle Locker" is tomorrow night. I have not yet come into agreements with my character. It's ok, but I still don't believe myself. Nigel (my director) still has not said anything to me and I am a bit worried. It's funny, I completely admire the man, but whenever I work with him I get choked up. I can't do anything right. I want to impress him and I find it difficult to do so. With my other directors there isn't that pressure, but Nigel, he is something else. I can't explain it. At times I really think that he just hates the way I act completely. Oh well. Pray for me and if you are in the area go watch it.




He said we can dance tomorrow,
I said we've already danced tonight
Come on baby, it will be all right...
And we danced, and danced, and danced, and danced, and danced
And we danced, and danced, and danced, and danced, and danced
All Night...

TECH IS OVER!!! OH SO GLAD.



ALMOST OUT OF HERE...

C'est Moi!!!

Ridin' It

Between gulps of NyQuil, work, classes, and the theater, I am slowly (but surely) killing myself. I am sooo annoyed with myself because it doesn't matter how many hours of sleep I get a night I still feel like crap in the morning. Maybe I should get more sleep during the weekends. I haven't gotten much the past weeks. I found it to be very difficult to be social and studious in college. Why the hell do I have to choose one over the other? I just wish there was more time, or at least that I could have fun in all my classes. So far academically, I have been dissatisfied with this semester, but on the other hand it hasn't been that bad. It's too bad my current situation started so late in the semester, but it's alright. It's not that stressful in retrospect. I just miss riding in the convertible. Can't I just have it??? That's all I want. hehehe It was such a great feeling when I was in co-passenger's seat taking in the view and literally feeling the wind in my face. Yeah, I know it's cheesy, but it was liberating at the same time. I can't think of anything better. Well, yes I can. If I would have been driving it would have been kick-ass. =)

So, I have decided to go to New York City with my friend Diana after the semester is over. She lives outside the city, so I will be staying with her for about a week or so. I am soooo psyched out. Finally!!! I just want to travel this summer, and NYC seems like the perfect city to begin with. Don't worry, I'll bring back gifts for all.


Can't it just be over?



How about this weekend???

There Ya Go

I am not writing this blog entry because I was made to....hehehe

Sam you ROCK my SOCKS!!!

=)

My Poor Pinky

For the past couple of days the weather has been beautiful up here in the R.O.C. It has been a sunny 62degrees (I know that is winter for South Texas), but here that temperature is about 80 degrees above of our normal weather. hehehe Because yesterday was not a day to be sitting inside doing nothing, a bunch of us from the D-House played football outside on the frat-quad. To make a long story short, I hurt myself. I think I sprained my pinky on my left hand. It is maaaaaddddd purple and uber swollen. It looks like it might fall off. lol Ok, maybe not that bad, but it still hurts. So after my injury I decided to retire to the porch of our house and join the others with some Piña Coladas. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was a Wednesday afternoon at 4:30pm and I was already having a drink. Damn!!! It wasn't even happy hour yet. =) Steven and John would be so proud of me. hehehe

Well, other than that I only have to survive school for one more month and then I am out of here. Yay!!!!! I am telling you it has been quite a year, but not as bad as my freshman year. Now, that was hell! I am so psyched out because next year I am finally having a single for mi solita. I am an officer at the Drama House so I get a single. In fact, I am getting one of the biggest singles of the whole house, and maybe even the campus. Ah, I can't wait. Then, I can finally have my cheese and wine party that I have been craving. =) Well, amigos, I'll keep you posted but I gotta split so I can read some stuff before my next class.