I dreamt I died last night. It felt so real that I woke up crying, but the even weirder thing about that is that I was trying to wake myself up from my dream. I had an outer body experience. I felt my soul looking at my stiff corpse from above and not remembering who I was. As the blood streamed down my corpse, my soul started sheding thick tears of blood. I saw my mother calling to my corpse and yelling, "Wake up! Wake up!" But something in me refused to attach itself back to that broken pile of bones I once called a body. And with that, I let my body become entangled with the passing wind.
Freaky... I know!!! But in way I feel my subconsciousness is telling me something. I know I must sound like a baby all the time now. I am always complaining about something in my life. I just did not realize how hectic my senior year was going to be. Please, I BEG you not to come to the conclusion that I have thoughts of suicide. I love my life, family, and friends too much to do anything of the sorts. But I do think that there has to be some part of my life that has to pass away in order for me to finally get over what this thing is. It is easier said than done. First, I have to figure out what exactly is bothering me, then I can finally kill the problem from the root.
*sigh*
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Littlest Things
Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't know why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
no one in the world who could replace you
-Lily Allen
Monday, March 19, 2007
I awoke today to an e-mail sent by our Senior Class President saying, "Only 61 more days till graduation!" And although this makes me really ecstatic, I realized that maybe I am still not quite as ready as I thought I was to go into the real world. In a little over two months, my life will be doing a complete 3-60. That is everything that I know and everyone (well, mostly everyone) that I care for and that I hold dearly in my heart, will soon be apart from me. Graduating and moving to another city is one thing, but graduating and moving to another COUNTRY is quite different. Besides a couple of people that I know, I am basically starting a whole new life in Germany. I don't know how well prepared I am for this. I think I would feel different about the situation if I'd move to some English-speaking country like England or Australia; but the whole-not-knowing-so-well the German language kind of has me freaked out. I am no longer that 18 year old girl that left to Germany without a clue, but smiled herself out of any awkward situations. I am an adult, and we all know that cute little adult habits (like my smiling and being overly nice) won't save my butt this time. *sigh*
I guess I am doubting myself. In a way I think I am a bit disappointed with myself. Every time someone asks me about my plans after graduation I slightly bow my head and shamefully say, "I am becoming an au pair," but then I quickly retaliate by saying, "But I am also having an internship at the European Central Bank." To be frank, this wasn't my plan at all. Looking back at that young girl of 18, I remember wanting to graduate from college at the top of my class, then taking a six month break to travel around the world, in order to come back with a new perspective on things before starting law school in New York (or dare I say, Harvard Law School). However, these past four years in undergrad have completely drained any motivation and ambition that I once had. In law school I would become the woman I dreamt so much in becoming. I would end law school with an offer to join a law firm in Washington, D.C. or New York City, and maybe, even being engaged. It's funny how we create these mental checklists, but really, how many of us truly keep in line with them? Now, the only thing that I can check off my list is graduating... and that's even too much for me right now. I have to re-prioritize my goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. But above all, I want to, I need to, I have to get back to the old way I was... the Gaby, the Gabriela that was so fearless, loving, but even more so, HAPPY.
As for now, I am conducting a small experiment. I will do 10 Things that I have not yet done in the hopes that it will teach me to love and to accept every day for what it is. Wish me luck!
1. Become friends/"make things right" with someone that I do not get along with.
2. Express how I truly feel about an arising situation, how I feel, or any other circumstance of the sort.
3. Watch some classic movies: Casa Blanca, The Graduate, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Godfather, etc.
4. Dance in a public setting as if I were alone in my bedroom.
5. Avoid the "F"word for one whole day. Heck, make that one whole week! (Mind you, I did not curse when I was a little girl, but that was sooo long ago)
6. Go skinny-dipping.
7. Take a professional ball room dancing class.
8. Get over my fear/disgust of fruit.
9. Smile just because.
10.Go to the gym for more than 2 weeks in a row.
I guess I am doubting myself. In a way I think I am a bit disappointed with myself. Every time someone asks me about my plans after graduation I slightly bow my head and shamefully say, "I am becoming an au pair," but then I quickly retaliate by saying, "But I am also having an internship at the European Central Bank." To be frank, this wasn't my plan at all. Looking back at that young girl of 18, I remember wanting to graduate from college at the top of my class, then taking a six month break to travel around the world, in order to come back with a new perspective on things before starting law school in New York (or dare I say, Harvard Law School). However, these past four years in undergrad have completely drained any motivation and ambition that I once had. In law school I would become the woman I dreamt so much in becoming. I would end law school with an offer to join a law firm in Washington, D.C. or New York City, and maybe, even being engaged. It's funny how we create these mental checklists, but really, how many of us truly keep in line with them? Now, the only thing that I can check off my list is graduating... and that's even too much for me right now. I have to re-prioritize my goals, dreams, ambitions, etc. But above all, I want to, I need to, I have to get back to the old way I was... the Gaby, the Gabriela that was so fearless, loving, but even more so, HAPPY.
As for now, I am conducting a small experiment. I will do 10 Things that I have not yet done in the hopes that it will teach me to love and to accept every day for what it is. Wish me luck!
1. Become friends/"make things right" with someone that I do not get along with.
2. Express how I truly feel about an arising situation, how I feel, or any other circumstance of the sort.
3. Watch some classic movies: Casa Blanca, The Graduate, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Godfather, etc.
4. Dance in a public setting as if I were alone in my bedroom.
5. Avoid the "F"word for one whole day. Heck, make that one whole week! (Mind you, I did not curse when I was a little girl, but that was sooo long ago)
6. Go skinny-dipping.
7. Take a professional ball room dancing class.
8. Get over my fear/disgust of fruit.
9. Smile just because.
10.Go to the gym for more than 2 weeks in a row.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Spring Break 2007
On the plane to the Bahamas
Ahhh....
Awesomeness
Queen Victoria's Staircase
66 steps, one for every year of her reign
A fisherman asked to take my picture
Sunday, March 11, 2007
A Small Break...
Gaby hasn't been feeling too good this semester. So she is taking some time off from her hectic life. She will be in the Bahamas for the next couple of days. Hopefully, she will come back rejuvenated and energized to finish off her senior year. Have a good one!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Songs I Heard Tonight and Will Now Dedicate Them to My Life
Dear Life,
Keep on using me, keep on using me until you use me up.
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on.
We'll get her jacked up on some cheap champagne
We'll let the good times all roll out
And if the music ain't good, well it's just too bad
We're gonna sing along no matter what.
Love,
Gaby
Monday, February 12, 2007
A Nice Surprise
Here I thought today was a bad day, but my dear friend Nick surprised me with a serenade of "Stand by Me" by the Acapella group After Hours. As they sang their song, Nick and I waltzed along. He proceeded to give me a pink carnation with a note attached to it. This was an early Valentine's Day gift from him which was completely unexpected on my part. I am so lucky to have him here taking care of me; even more, I am blessed to have him as a friend.
But with these gorgeous details, I was sadden by the thought of you. I know Valentine's Day is just a fabricated holiday by the Hallmark Card Industry, but it would be nice if maybe once, just once, we could spend it together. *sigh* But I guess this wish of mine will have to wait a while before it comes true.
Happy Valentine's Day...
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Slowly becoming an A-dult!!!
So, I am leaving early tomorrow morning to go to New York City for a JOB INTERVIEW!!! It's my first one ever, well apart from my job interviews for the jobs on campus that I have had, this is the first professional setting that I will be in. It's kind of scary (and crazy), especially because I won't have anybody there with me. I will be in NYC all alone for the first time ever. I don't know if I will be able to handle all the psychological trauma. But there is one consolation, I am going to ChinaTown and buy myself a purse!!! Diana told me to be careful and not to get shot! Ha! I gave her a scare last time we went to the city.
Well, if I don't get that job in NYC or anything, I was offerred a full-time position at my office after graduation, which in a way it kind of rocks. Finally, after four years of working for them and going through hell, it will all pay off. But I am really counting on something outside of Rochester. I think I need the change.
I will keep y'all posted on the interview's results.
Well, if I don't get that job in NYC or anything, I was offerred a full-time position at my office after graduation, which in a way it kind of rocks. Finally, after four years of working for them and going through hell, it will all pay off. But I am really counting on something outside of Rochester. I think I need the change.
I will keep y'all posted on the interview's results.
Monday, February 05, 2007
The Arrows of Fate Will Always Hit Their Prey
I wish I could hold that to be true, but as of now, I see no Arrows coming towards my direction. Doubt and confussion are predators who feed upon me without remorse. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but with each passing day its darkness seems to accumulate in my thoughts, and what's even worse, in my heart. Yet, at times I feel like a walking contradiction cheering myself on, but singing elegies when the sun goes down.
Things at school are going... let's just leave at "going". Like always, it is the same bull crap over and over. I think I might be getting a little bit too old (or should I dare say, posh) for this. After Friday night while sipping on my fifth Peppermint shots from a loodge and wiping the excess off my chin, I realized that I had finally hit rock bottom. Had I really become one of those drunkard girls who hangs tightly to her friends' arms not just because a sudden lost of balance, but because she is seriously afraid to 'stand on her own two feet'? I have had enough of it. And with my swaggering walk, I fastened my coat and walked into the freezing night to go home.
The following night was swollen with invitations by friends and acquaintances to go out and expose myself into that meaningless strata once again. But I found a better consolation staying at home in my favorite green comfy pants and U of R sweatshirt and watching a movie with my real friends. Attending time and life-consuming frat parties and social gatherings for the past three years, has drained me. I am overwhelmed and tired of the sick and pretentious words that I must listen and that I must say. I hate putting on those nice shirts with slightly tight jeans and high heels in order to impress people that I am probably going to see once or that are possibly trying to 'get in my pants'. I don't want to impress people like them. If I do wear those jeans or that litte extra something underneath my dress, it's for that certain special someone and not so I can have that little extra self-confidence I need whenever I meet someone new. I am condeming myself to life time of sweatpants and loose t-shirts. I promise I will not be rolling out of bed, putting on shoes, and going to class like a hobo. But I do pledge to wear that little something special for only my VIP. ;)
Things at school are going... let's just leave at "going". Like always, it is the same bull crap over and over. I think I might be getting a little bit too old (or should I dare say, posh) for this. After Friday night while sipping on my fifth Peppermint shots from a loodge and wiping the excess off my chin, I realized that I had finally hit rock bottom. Had I really become one of those drunkard girls who hangs tightly to her friends' arms not just because a sudden lost of balance, but because she is seriously afraid to 'stand on her own two feet'? I have had enough of it. And with my swaggering walk, I fastened my coat and walked into the freezing night to go home.
The following night was swollen with invitations by friends and acquaintances to go out and expose myself into that meaningless strata once again. But I found a better consolation staying at home in my favorite green comfy pants and U of R sweatshirt and watching a movie with my real friends. Attending time and life-consuming frat parties and social gatherings for the past three years, has drained me. I am overwhelmed and tired of the sick and pretentious words that I must listen and that I must say. I hate putting on those nice shirts with slightly tight jeans and high heels in order to impress people that I am probably going to see once or that are possibly trying to 'get in my pants'. I don't want to impress people like them. If I do wear those jeans or that litte extra something underneath my dress, it's for that certain special someone and not so I can have that little extra self-confidence I need whenever I meet someone new. I am condeming myself to life time of sweatpants and loose t-shirts. I promise I will not be rolling out of bed, putting on shoes, and going to class like a hobo. But I do pledge to wear that little something special for only my VIP. ;)
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Endlich....
I know, I know, believe me, I know ...
it has been well over a month that I have written anything substantial or worth-while.
But my life right now is so hectic that I barely have time to breathe. It's funny; a couple of weeks ago I was bumming around on my parents't couch, not doing anything, and definately not having a care in the world. But now, being back in Rochester my life has done a complete 1-80. I have 5 classes, two jobs, and a ton of responsibilities with the organizations that I am involved in. Additionally, it is my last semester and I constantly have to work on resumes, job interviews, planning the rest of my life and so on and so forth.
In these past two weeks I have already had a complete breakdown, 3 migranes, lack of sleep, and a slight resurrection of my lovely eczema. Yay! But like someone told me, I have to keep looking forward, although it is difficult to do so at times.
I wish I had more to say. Yes, I am a boring person, but that's because my schedule controls my life and I don't control my schedule. That's the one thing I should put on top of my to-do list... 1.) give myself some ME time and I don't mean time to look for jobs, or send out those little e-mails, or something of that sorts; just time for me.
In light of the present situation, I have found myself to think about my future home in the coming months. There is so much to choose from and yet, I feel that I don't have the means/opportunities to get there. I actually thought about going to study in Egypt. I would study Arabic and Islamic culture/society/history. How I came up with this, I have not clue. Or maybe India. I think I got from watching Mohinder in a little show (that I love to watch) called 'Heroes'. Or maybe Germany or New York or California or.... I want to get there, doesn't matter how, I just hope soon.
I am running, I am running. Catch up with me Life!
it has been well over a month that I have written anything substantial or worth-while.
But my life right now is so hectic that I barely have time to breathe. It's funny; a couple of weeks ago I was bumming around on my parents't couch, not doing anything, and definately not having a care in the world. But now, being back in Rochester my life has done a complete 1-80. I have 5 classes, two jobs, and a ton of responsibilities with the organizations that I am involved in. Additionally, it is my last semester and I constantly have to work on resumes, job interviews, planning the rest of my life and so on and so forth.
In these past two weeks I have already had a complete breakdown, 3 migranes, lack of sleep, and a slight resurrection of my lovely eczema. Yay! But like someone told me, I have to keep looking forward, although it is difficult to do so at times.
I wish I had more to say. Yes, I am a boring person, but that's because my schedule controls my life and I don't control my schedule. That's the one thing I should put on top of my to-do list... 1.) give myself some ME time and I don't mean time to look for jobs, or send out those little e-mails, or something of that sorts; just time for me.
In light of the present situation, I have found myself to think about my future home in the coming months. There is so much to choose from and yet, I feel that I don't have the means/opportunities to get there. I actually thought about going to study in Egypt. I would study Arabic and Islamic culture/society/history. How I came up with this, I have not clue. Or maybe India. I think I got from watching Mohinder in a little show (that I love to watch) called 'Heroes'. Or maybe Germany or New York or California or.... I want to get there, doesn't matter how, I just hope soon.
I am running, I am running. Catch up with me Life!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Friday, December 15, 2006
My Anniversary
Yesterday, I celebrated my 2nd anniversary of being 21. I refuse to do any more counting....hehehe. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. It was just a peaceful and tranquil day. I left the campus in order to be at peace with my thoughts. The one highlight of my day was that in the evening I went to Nick's house in Mt. Morris to see his younger sister perform. She sings lovely.
Maybe I will celebrate when I go home...
...which will happen tomorrow
Maybe I will celebrate when I go home...
...which will happen tomorrow
Photo Proeject
I took the following images for my photo project for my Fairytales, Myths, and Legends German Class. I looked upon Walt Disney and his ideas of fairytales for inspiration, however, my photos are a satirical response to his American ideals of fairytales. The collection is called Qualifications for Becoming a Princess. I would like to thank Anna Fagan and Ryn Stilwell for modeling and putting up with my crazy ideas. I hope you enjoy. Please feel free to leave any reactions, comments, and/or feelings about the photographs. Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)